Looking In The Mirror

Are we simply a reflection of what we see in our partners?   What we seek in a partner, we already posses inside ourselves?   

If we don't know who we are,or what we bring to the table, how do we know, what we are searching for?   Who is good for us?

That's like reading the first and last pages of a book. You get the rush of the beginning, the climax of the finish, but nothing in between.

We find ourselves throwing common sense out the window.  You start dating multiple people to relieve pent up frustration,  you  put on yourself. Whether that be, unworthiness, self confidence, low self esteem or you simply feel you are too hard to love. 

You then find yourself in a viscous cycle. One we have all been a part of, called the "dopamine rush."

Just like the book analogy, you get the rush of someone new, a night of hot passion, then wham it's over.  You can't push him out of your bed quick enough. You don't return his calls the next day or week. You are already on to the next rush.

Is that all "love" has turned into.

A conquest? 

I will be honest, I played the game for far too long. Possibly better than any man.  Broke too many hearts along the way, that I am not proud of. 

I've met some incredibly successful men, who have wanted to make an honest woman out of me, and put a ring on my finger.  Just like the men before them, I stopped texting and returning calls.  I moved on. I was never looking for anyone to take care of me.  I was fine on my own. 

 Boy was I wrong. One mistake after another.  It wasn't until, I married and divorced my second husband, did I realise my pattern.  One I vowed to never repeat.  Ryan told me once, while we were in one of our fights. "You don't know how to love" yet he did? What an oxymoron. 

Do I regret those years?  No.  I needed to go through it, to know it, to stop it. To prove to myself how strong I truly am. I am now 12 months of being celibate. I no longer want to live for the rush and climax.  There is so much more to life and people. Don't think for a second that I'm a prude, I think of hot passion 24/7.  I have  simply learnt,  how to control it.  

The more I grow, the more I learn. The more I learn, the less mistakes I make.  I can truly say, I am evolving into a new version of my higher self.  I am glowing.  I have been busy focusing on me...all me. This is self empowerment. Something we all need to experience male and female.

I know the wait will be worth it. What I seek is seeking me.  My patience did not come easy...it was a lot of trial and error.  It is not an easy road. If it was easy would it be the same?  As the saying goes...... "nothing good comes easy, all good things take some time"

I truly believe that.  Everything in life is ruled by patience. Why not master it, and the art of letting go... Of what no longer serves you. Make room for what is right around the corner.  Your mirrored image.

mirror mirror on the wall, 

Carrie