My Superhero

Eleven years ago today...  

It feels like yesterday, I was brushing the hair out of your face, and holding your hand.  

Soft humming of machines and beeping of monitors. The slight rise and fall of your chest.  I remember everything so vivid. The strongest man I have ever known, laying on a hospital bed in the ICU department, barely clinging to life. 

This man is my Daddy.  He killed spiders for me, he scared monsters out from under my bed,  he tucked into a cocoon every night,  he taught me how to ride a bike,  how to drive, how to play chess.  He taught me how to forgive. 

I was his little girl.  his "reddy the fox" that was his favourite nickname for me.    

My parents divorced when I was in my teens.  I told this man I hated him, we had a really rough relationship after that.  I kept my distance and he kept his.  Looking back I see how silly all that was, at the time it was my whole world.  

 It was the fall of 2000, and I was having a nap. I was woken up to the phone ringing.  It was my Mom, she was on her way to pick me up.  Your Dad has been hurt.    No one knew the extent of his injuries  until we reached the Trauma centre at University Hospital. 

My grandfather owned an Organic apple Orchard, our name was known world wide.  My father worked there, as he hoped to take over the business one day.   That day never came.   

He had a horrible accident while he was cleaning one of the cold storage tanks. Instead of strapping himself into the harness, he opted for the shortcut, and in the end he lost his balance and fell 15 feet to concrete.  If that wasn't bad enough, the apple bin that he had been standing inside let got and fell on him.  Crushing his front lobe.  The weather was horrible out, a nasty storm moved in, he couldn't be air lifted due to the high winds, two nurses and a doctor rode in the ambulance to London, (a 2 hour drive) away. 

When we arrived at the hospital, he was just coming out of surgery.  We all waited patiently for news,   The doctor came out, we can see him he is in stable condition. Only one at a time.  

I was the first to see him. his head all bandaged up with what seemed like a metal spike hat.  His eyes were swollen shut, they were the size of lemons. He was unrecognisable. I sobbed like a baby. Every grudge I held against this man disappeared. I was left with nothing but guilt. This was my Daddy. 

He had a very long recovery, 3 months in the hospital, and another year of at home therapy. He was never the same.   His freedom was gone, he no longer could drive, he had a hard time walking. His speech was off, and so was his temperament.  The hot head he once was, turned into a calm and collected person. It took a lot of adjusting not only for him but us as well.  He was giving up on life. 

From that moment on, he was always in and out of hospitals. He just wasn't the same. 

This last time he went into the hospital, was the last time. No one was prepared.

March 7th 2014 @ 4am in the morning. I had to make the hardest decision of my life. My mom by my side, and my brothers at home in their beds.  My dad came off life support and died at 415am   

No one knows the guilt I carried, or the resentment I had.   It's been eleven years, and I still wonder if I only waited a few more days, would he have woken up?    I know I hold on to the guilt of that night. My heart is swollen and bruised, my eyes glossy and puffy as I recall the events leading up to that awful time.   I know I made  the right decision. He is longer suffering or in any pain.  The only pain now, is that of a little girl (grown woman) missing her daddy. 

I know, my sweet Charity, is keeping you busy now.  I will see you both again one day.  Until that day comes, I will shed tears in remembrance of you and all the love you gave.   You not only showed me how to forgive, you also showed me what unconditional love is. Forever in my mind, and forever in my heart. I miss you Dad!  Your songs are forever on my playlist, just a click away. 

North to Alaska

love,

Reddy The Fox.