Find Happiness......

Someone once said to me "find happiness Carrie"   

I was beyond confused by that statement, I am happy! 

 I exude positive energy, and happiness. 

 Did they see something different?

I have been pondering this for the past  two months now.  Wondering why such a simple statement has created such a ripple effect inside of me.  I  was terribly hurt by those words, were they meant to hurt me?   I am at a loss.  No one has ever utter those words to me.

Of course they were to hurt, it was said in haste. I'm usually right. I have an inner knowing. I have been given the gift of reading people, help lift them up and guide them.   I have known this for many years.  I am a fixer, a healer sent to help others.

Somewhere along my journey, did my light for me dim?  Yes, I believe it did, never going out though.  Pouring into everyone, putting in the bare minimum for myself.  I am on my  own healing journey, have been for the past 4 years.

 The only explanation I could come up with, is loneliness. 

We all go through periods of such it's a natural reaction/ feeling. I am human after all, I do have feelings. 

I have pushed through so many obstacles that were meant to break me and tear me down.  They didn't. However, talking about my own feelings is off limits, something I do not know how to do. Or do I?  Am I afraid of rejection? Abandonment?  Do I keep them close to me to protect them?   I would say yes, to all of the above.   We all are, it's just hard to take accountability.  

I have been in a state of survival, always looking out and caring for everyone around me.  Being their beacon of light.  Often I would neglect myself in the process, was I happy yes of course. I have never been unhappy as a whole.

Making others happy has always been my top priority.

What makes me happy you ask?

Writing for one, Music for two, Socialising three, travelling four, making people laugh five, My children all of them.  My friends and family.   I am a simple creature with a smart mouth. 

I stumble hell yes. Do I fall, I most definitely do.  I also steady myself, I pick myself right back up and continue on. 

I don't think the statement was really directed to me. It was more of a projection from what they truly desire.  To be happy.  You can only run for so long,  until your demons need to be faced. 

I am in a constant state of healing, I am happy doing it. I know  brighter days are ahead. I choose happiness, everyday.

As for the statement, "Find Happiness"  it doesn't sting like it used too. 

I know happiness resides within me always. 

I'm on my way, 

Carrie